professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
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Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
the greatest twitter interaction
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Oceanography is all about current events
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes