WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
You Might Also Like
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
good work, everybody
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Not all heroes wear capes…
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*