extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
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Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent