DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!