Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

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Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.


My husband is at a wedding and I’m really pulling for him to meet a nice girl


Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.


Four uses I have for my guitar now:

1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing


“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”


After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.


It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.


If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢