The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
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What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe
[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together
[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this
[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it
[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.