@Try2StopME
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
@ChicksRule
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
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@Try2StopME
@crapitscori
My husband is at a wedding and I’m really pulling for him to meet a nice girl
@Marlebean
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
@2tickytacky
Four uses I have for my guitar now:
1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing
@PajamaBen_
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
@GuyEndoreKaiser
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
@Fickle_Filly
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
@DonnaBW4
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
@Parentpains
Follow your instincts, into the path of a moving train.
@aliarikan
