@ChicksRule

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

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@Try2StopME

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

@crapitscori

My husband is at a wedding and I’m really pulling for him to meet a nice girl

@Marlebean

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

@2tickytacky

Four uses I have for my guitar now:

1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing

@PajamaBen_

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

@GuyEndoreKaiser

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

@Fickle_Filly

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

@DonnaBW4

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢