professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
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Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry