@HenpeckedHal

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

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@thedad

I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”

@LaLa_Lyds

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

@Sarcasticsapien

When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.

@Dawn_M_

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

@ForeverHairy

When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.

@Jebo_te_patak

You say tomato, I say that’s a weird thing to say for no reason. We were just sitting here quietly, and you’re all “tomato.” You can leave.

@verywhitechedd

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

@sucittaM

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.