professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
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HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!