professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

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My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.


*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”


[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.


I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”


[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?



The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…


Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”


How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.


I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.