professsor x: what’s your superpower

me: solving for variables

professor 17: oh wow

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I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.


“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”


your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia


Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.


Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *


“Tell me why I shouldn’t report you to HR?” The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. “I don’t work here” I yelled back.


If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.


ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!


Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop