professsor x: what’s your superpower

me: solving for variables

professor 17: oh wow

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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.


Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F


She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.


“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.


If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.


body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago


Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.


Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion


Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?


Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.


Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.