@mistakeswasmade

professsor x: what’s your superpower

me: solving for variables

professor 17: oh wow

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@ThePocketJustin

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

@aguywithnolife

Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F

@DiamondLou69

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

@LizHackett

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

@TommyRainmaker

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

@OctopusCaveman

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

@cravin4

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

@PetrickSara

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

@iLikeCatShirts

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.