Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
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“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.