PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
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The only equipped I am is ill.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
we did it you guys we saved daylight
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do