Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
OH. COME. ON.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass