honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
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ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.