@bfrosty04

Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, ‘Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe’ night.

You Might Also Like

@ShoutingGoddess

One day we’ll open Twitter & it’ll just say:

Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.

@kibblesmith

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

@UnFitz

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

@Marlebean

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@cravin4

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

@Havish_AF

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

@heyitsJudeD

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

@markleggett

The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.

@WilliamAder

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.