Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, ‘Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe’ night.

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One day we’ll open Twitter & it’ll just say:

Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.


Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.


horrifying if literal: the electric slide


Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired


My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible


My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory


You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.


I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting


The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.


It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.