One day we’ll open Twitter & it’ll just say:
Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.
Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, ‘Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe’ night.
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens
… I think my cough medicine expired
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.