More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.