Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
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Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.