prometheus: humans are great

antimetheus: no

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It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.


Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting


Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?

Dad you’re an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it’s literally all you guys talk about


exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time


*first date*

Him: Favorite animal?

Her: Panaver

Him: Huh?

Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.


My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”


Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.


Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says “Ya want a box for them?”

“I was willing to pay” I said “but I guess we can fight for em”


My friend texts “ur” instead of “you’re” but puts extra letters in “so” because she’s “soooo happy.”

This is why everyone hates you, Julie.