Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
The Others (2001)
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.