Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
You Might Also Like
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this