@AndyAsAdjective

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

You Might Also Like

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

@InThaBurbs

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

@sofarrsogud

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

@dorsalstream

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

@Lama911

Runs away from you…

Looks back to laugh at you…

Runs into pole.

@kumailn

Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: there’s a man in my house

911: what’s he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you’re hosting a party

me: yea

911:

me: please send help