Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
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Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Runs away from you…
Looks back to laugh at you…
Runs into pole.
Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.
lmao this has gotta be from some Tim and Eric bit
me: there’s a man in my house
911: what’s he doing
me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time
911: sounds like you’re hosting a party
me: please send help