Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
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The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something