Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Wednesday
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.