Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
🤣😈🤣
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers