*pronounces bondage like corsage.
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Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Fries, not lies.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
This is I, Robot all over again
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”