@EllaZee5

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

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@figgled

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

@LostCatDog

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

@roxiqt

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

@Hobo_Splendido

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

@kumailn

Guys, please don’t judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.

@brettminor

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

@Darlainky

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

@Thee1_4U

How to win an argument with a woman:

1. Too late, you’re already wrong.

@ShellHasDragons

Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Him: Hi
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!