*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
It’s a gift
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.