@EllaZee5

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

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@Parker_Simpson

I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo

@MrDaveGibson

In high school I was placed in the English bottom class where a teacher said to my face I’d NEVER make it as a writer.
Today, 25 years later, after uncountable knock-backs from almost every publisher, I’m ecstatic to finally be able to announce that teacher has died. #NeverGiveUp

@mrjohndarby

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

@frenziedandfine

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

@joeldanger

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

@Donnie_Fairburn

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

@jenlaw_11

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

@NicestHippo

Don’t worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won’t be able to find either

@Mom_Overboard

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.