*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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We need more people like this.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
This is my favorite one of these!
If snakes were wide
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.