Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

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*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?


My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.


6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”


i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash


Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.


Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.


5yo: I can’t wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you’re here from the future to save the world.


FaceTime with mom is a great way to see a really magnified thumb