*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
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today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.