@dave_cactus

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

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@CruisinSoozan

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

@daemonic3

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

@lisaxy424

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

@ArfMeasures

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

@poutinesmoothie

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

@FlyJ_

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

@Shen_the_Bird

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

@SirEviscerate

*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*