My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
glue: I have a boyfriend
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*