*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
spicy snake
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
We like the way Dwight thinks
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday