*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
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I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
inventing words: clothing
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*