[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.