@stevevsninjas

*pronounces surface like Versace*

*pronounces surface like Versace*

- @stevevsninjas

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@T_Longstreth

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

@beefman138

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

@squirrel74wkgn

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

@SophGalustian

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

@daemonic3

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

@mistakentweets

Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.

@Mister_Burnham

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

@moist_jeff

I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.

@WilliamRodgers

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

@Amburglar_

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.