*pronounces surface like Versace*
You Might Also Like
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.