@stevevsninjas

*pronounces surface like Versace*

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@Poutymcgee

Murderer:You can’t hide from me!

Me:*hiding*

Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!

Me:*sweating

Me:

Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.

@HatfieldAnne

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

@KKAlThani

“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people

@briancthayer

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

@HatfieldAnne

Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who’s hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now.

@1evilidiot

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

@indecision

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

@panmidwest

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly