Murderer:You can’t hide from me!
Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!
Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
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I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who’s hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now.
Kanye West can’t wait to be the best man at his wedding.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly