*pronounces surface like Versace*

*pronounces surface like Versace*

- @stevevsninjas

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[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.


I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.


[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.


so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her


Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf


Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.


A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.


I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.



My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…


Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.