[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Story of my life…..
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*