Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
devil: welcome to hell
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Ab Muscles: You’re having ANOTHER cookie?
Ab Muscles: You’re just never planning on seeing us again?