[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Not today. 😅
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.