*pronounces UPS like yoops
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My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.