My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
damn he’s good
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty