Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

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An ambitious bodyguard can specialize and become a shin or mouth guard


ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do


[Alien monster is levelling Toronto]

CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?


If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.


Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?


I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.


My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.


When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.


Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close


Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.