@blade_funner

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

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@chellemybell22

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

@NicestHippo

What should we call it when a man is beautiful?
“Footseveral?”
No but I feel like you’re on the right track

@JasonLastname

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

@dshack8

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

@BubbleNuggets2u

I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…

Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it

@tgonefishin

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

@PinkCamoTO

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@Jake_Vig

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

@WheelTod

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist