Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

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the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps


I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.


[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot


Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade


My son had to take our cat to the vet and was too embarrassed to say the cat’s name was Pablo Purrcasso and he just said the cat’s name was Greg.


People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.

Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.


Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.


I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes