Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

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“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”


🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today


[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk


How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.


*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”


“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”


[ice fishing]

*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice


Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas


[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”


Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.