Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

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My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.


What should we call it when a man is beautiful?
No but I feel like you’re on the right track


As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying


No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.


I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…

Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it


Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere


The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.


Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?


The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.


[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist