@blade_funner

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

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@JojoCaravan

An ambitious bodyguard can specialize and become a shin or mouth guard

@ArfMeasures

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

@gogglepossum

[Alien monster is levelling Toronto]

CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?

@Jack_Wagon1

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

@ValeeGrrl

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

@gaynorlsimpson

When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.

@fro_vo

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

@Nursey2Be

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.