Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”