Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.