Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
Map: I have a boyfriend
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
‘Achoo, Brute?’ – Cnaesar
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit