Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Lassie, get help!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven