She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
You Might Also Like
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Me: *searching cabinet
Wife: What are you looking for?
Me: A spouse
Wife: You mean spice
Me: No, just one
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!