Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

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She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.


Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.


I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food


My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her


Me: *searching cabinet

Wife: What are you looking for?

Me: A spouse

Wife: You mean spice

Me: No, just one


Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.


“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.


ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?



date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good