There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
You Might Also Like
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”