@gylertagan

[Property Brothers]
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget

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@BoogTweets

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

@chopper4jk

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

@Darlainky

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

@MikeDrucker

TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.

TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?

@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@SCbchbum

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”