If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget
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It was the busta rhymes, it was the worsta rhymes
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.
TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”