*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first