[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
You Might Also Like
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
at ease…shoulder.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.