@TheBoydP

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

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@Iloveearwormz

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

@anerdonfire2

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

@TheBoydP

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

@ddsmidt

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@isabelzawtun

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

@ElleOhHell

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

@skedaddle74

I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.

You’re welcome.