Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

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I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.


[rap battle]

*drops the mic*

*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*

[20min earlier]

*other guy covering my mic in butter*


Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:


Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.


Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots πŸ™


Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbours by smiling and waving back at them.


I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget’s taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.


“What do you want?”
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what


Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: β€œAloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*