@Cpin42

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

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@blade_funner

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

@JohnLyonTweets

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

@LittleHarmonica

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

@TheCatWhisprer

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

@batkaren

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

@chaddaniels34

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

@Vodkantots

Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.

@Milariou

It’s all fun and games until you notice the “rocket” in your son’s Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.