I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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*drops the mic*
*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*
*other guy covering my mic in butter*
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.
Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots 🙁
Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbours by smiling and waving back at them.
I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget’s taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
this is the best interaction on twitter
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*