I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

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[rap battle]
*drops the mic*
*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*
[20min earlier]
*other guy covering my mic in butter*

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:

Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.

Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots π

Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbours by smiling and waving back at them.

I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget’s taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

this is the best interaction on twitter

Person: My name is Mora.β
Hawaiian wizard: βAloha, Mora.β
*Door behind her unlocks*