@Cpin42

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

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@summerofbenny

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

@trojansauce

[rap battle]

*drops the mic*

*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*

[20min earlier]

*other guy covering my mic in butter*

@Pig_Minted

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

@IAmKashWah

Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.

@gwatts77

Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots πŸ™

@LoneWolfStories

Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbours by smiling and waving back at them.

@Shock_Monster

I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget’s taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.

@Home_Halfway

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

@Rollinintheseat

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: β€œAloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*