Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
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9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit