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The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Sticker placement is key.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.