A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Reasonable prices
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
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[dog dies in a movie]
[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
4: And blue
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.
Sorry lady in seat 21B
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.