*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Buying a well is money well spent.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.