Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth