It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
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adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Breaking news:
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts